she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
