Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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