Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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