you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Randomize
