Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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