I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
