There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
