If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
