i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
