Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
