No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I would ride that face into the sunset
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
