Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
