Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
