Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Hello my rib-scented angel!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
