When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
