Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
