so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
