NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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