Your mouth is God's brothel.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
