youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
