How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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