yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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