Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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