How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
