I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
