There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
