my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
why do cheetos always look like penises
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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