I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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