textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
