I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
