I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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