Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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