my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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