she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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