I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
