worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
