At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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