capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
