drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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