cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
