She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
