I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
being pregnant is like rehab
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
