so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
