I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
