i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
