I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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