the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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