How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
