And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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