Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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